I was aware we wouldn’t see him in Ontario soon, so I said I would come down to see him when the snow melted. “Oh no, don’t bother. Wait until I sell the house, then you can work your ass off”. He didn’t even need a visit from his kids. Totally self-sufficient, always was.

It occurred to me that I might show him how to download Skype on his computer so we could talk face-to-face. This might solve the distance problem. Dammit, he’s my father and I miss him, especially now my mother’s gone. I don’t like him much, but I miss him. I don’t think he misses me, though..

The Skype idea didn’t last long. I had spent a half an hour on the phone one time just trying to explain how to log on to my professional association website and see my bio. “Dot C, O, N? Is that it, with a dot after the N? Oh, it’s C, O, M, but no dot?”. Skype wasn’t going to happen. Solitaire is as complicated as he gets on the computer.

We got ready to hang up. “You’re well, you’re happy, dad?” I asked. He said “Sometimes I lie there in bed at night and wonder why I’m still alive. What’s the point of keeping on going?”.

He may not need us, need me, but at least he’s starting to feel his own mortality. Maybe an interest in his children will follow.

Keywords: caregivers