Mary Ellen Tomlinson, who has a small agency that assists people with eldercare, says the biggest stumbling block to help-ing the frail elderly is their own resistance. “Most won’t accept it – it’s an assault to their ego. They have been brought up to be self-supporting and self-sufficient.”
Maggie Sanderson*, 55, is in the frustrating position of trying to help her 81-year-old father who doesn’t want to be helped. Recently left incontinent after prostate surgery, he’s having trouble managing his catheter and isn’t eating or taking his heart medications regularly. On good days, he manages to get dressed and do a few errands, but on bad days he stays in bed. Living alone in the family home in a small community north of Ottawa, he refuses offers of assistance with upkeep with the result that several of his appliances need repairs. His bathroom ceiling is ripped open where he tried to find a leak. The house needs a major cleaning with most surfaces covered with junk mail and misplaced household items. And he’s having difficulty managing his finances. “We’ve offered to do the repairs on the house or to help him move into a senior’s apartment, but he refuses. He keeps saying he can do it himself but he can’t.”
“He’s very angry that he can’t manage his life the way he used to,” she says. Her dad is slowly accepting personal care at home. He does have the VON come in and, after sending a personal service worker away a few times, he now lets her in the house. “It’s always two steps forward, one step back,” Sanderson says. Her dad’s behaviour has become more reckless, and he’s showing poor judgment – he recently got a speeding ticket and had a minor car accident – but he’s not suffering from any obvious memory impairment. “He gets overwhelmed by his physical ailments and daily activities of life, but he can’t seem to understand that getting help with repairs or his meals and laundry would help him cope,” she says. The two have had several ugly arguments recently over
Sanderson’s safety concerns, and Sanderson is at the end of her rope. “I feel like I’m spending so much time worrying about him and trying to figure out how to help him. I’m feeling quite resentful and angry myself.” Sanderson is a self-employed accountant. “I have to plan my schedule carefully to take time off – every day I spend dealing with some crisis with my dad is a day away from the business.” Luckily, other siblings are helping too. “My brothers have started talking to him about his situation and offering help. Maybe they’ll get through to him,” she says.
Katie Podniarski*, 61, talks about resentment too. After her father died, her mother, 88, decided she wanted to move from the family home into the senior’s apartment they’d planned to live in together. But the move didn’t go well. Her mother was grieving and seriously depressed. “I’d go to visit her, and she’d be sitting alone in the apartment in the dark. She wouldn’t have changed her clothes for days.” Her mother lived three hours away, and Podniarski was constantly travelling back and forth trying to arrange for care and keep her mom company.
